Thoughts on Sabotage and how it affects




And what to DO about it!

You are probably in a relationship with someone who sometimes    practices    sabotage.

You yourself may practice it.

Most people DO practice sabotage

in one way or another.

When people are practicing sabotage

there is a root that needs to be healed.

Sabotaging thoughts

keep us from adequately


in certain important areas.

Most of the time,

sabotaging is birthed

from a thought in a person's subconscious.

Here are a few examples in everyday life.

Later I will talk about solutions.

A woman may sabotage her cooking so she never improves. 

Underlying thought - "I'll never be a good cook."
So she only half tries. 

A child may sabotage his grades.

Underlying thought - "I'll never be good in math."
So he only half tries when doing his math homework. 

A mother may sabotage her relationship with a grown child by nagging him or her.

Underlying thought - "All mothers nag their grown children. It is my right to do it."

A husband may sabotage his relationship with his wife.

Underlying thought - "I'll never make my wife happy - so why try?"

A mother-in-law may sabotage her relationship with her daughter-in-law or son-in-law.

Underlying thought - "No one really likes their in-laws anyway so why try to make a better relationship?"

A father-in-law may sabotage his relationship with his grandson.

Underlying thought - "Men don't show emotions and share feelings."

A daughter-in-law may sabotage her relationship with her in-laws.

Underlying thought - "I've always been this way. I can't change." 

A grandparent may may sabotage a relationship with a grandchild by giving money and gifts instead of quality time and conversation.

Underlying thought - "My grandchild only wants gifts from me. My grandchild wouldn't want to spend time with me."

Lack of knowledge (men don't show emotions and share feelings) or lack of faith (I'll never be a good cook) create sabotage.


I will highlight some other roots that produce

self -  sabotage.

Let's take a husband who is sabotaging his relationships with his family.

It may be a root of rejection...

Subconscious thoughts could be....

"Nobody REALLY likes me. I am not loveable. My family doesn't really love me so why try? No matter how hard I try, I'll always be rejected."

Sometimes the person was rejected by parents so as an adult, the pain of that rejection keeps the person captive. And the person then doesn't try to make a good relationship with his or her spouse. The longing for parental love is being mourned so much that the person will not put forth effort for his or her spouse......


some people re-create the problem

that was in their childhood family

in order to somehow re-live the hurt. 

Sabotage -

Many times a person like I am describing

will unconsciously

try to MAKE his family

upset with him

in order to fulfill his belief that he is unlovable.

He may say things that hurt his spouse / children  or  he may try to create conflict in some way. He may hinder himself unconsciously so he does not fulfill his promises. .... He is only half trying when he does try.

A root may be a low self-concept -

In the next example,
a parent doesn't show up for a child's special event.

The unconscious thought may be,

"Nobody wants to be with me."

Followed by - "My child wouldn't care if I was at his school program or not. I'm useless. I never do anything right. I only hurt my children and spouse. I may as well stay away from them. "


Perhaps a person senses that their family loves them BUT 

They have this unconscious thought...

"If my family really knew me

they wouldn't like me -

they would reject me.

So I can never tell my family who I really am and

what my struggles are

because then they will think I am a horrible person."

(These thoughts are related to rejection also.)


Another root

is a root of

thinking or feeling inadequate -

For example, a husband may think...

I'll never be a good spiritual leader in my home -
I'll never be able to make my wife happy....

So he sabotages efforts to do better because he doesn't believe he CAN be better.

A root of thinking or feeling hopeless

in an area of their life.

For example:

A man thinks:

"I'll never make any more money or get a better job."

So the person never tries. 


Whoever is reading this page....

Don't give up HOPE.

More Sabotage Information

Examples of sabotage in marriage - 

You say things to help your spouse, but he or she ignores it.

For example, you say - 

"Please come home from work early tomorrow. The kids have a special performance." The person comes home late. 

You say - "If you wear such and such, it excites me." Then your spouse never wears it.

You say - "If you will do such and such, it will make me so happy and make our marriage better." Then the person never does it.

You ask - "What can I do to make our marriage better?" Often they will never give an answer. Sometimes they will give a confusing answer such as, "Whatever." 

G r o o m z i l l a


is an entertaining movie.


Groomzilla is a great movie

that shows how a man sabotages a relationship

with his girlfriend.

BUT - 

When he figures out that he is sabotaging things,

he stops doing what he was doing.


he doesn't discuss this with his girlfriend

and he unwisely thinks that controlling everything will

make up for his previous sabotaging.


This movie is a GREAT example of sabotage AND

a great example of a lack of communication.

The trailer is not very good at describing the movie.


This movie would be a great movie to watch

with your spouse.

Then after enjoying this funny movie -

you can pick a time to discuss

the sabotaging going on the movie

and in your marriage -

in one or two areas.....

Don't overwhelm your spouse!

(And it would be best if YOU admit some areas that you have been sabotaging yourself.)


More about the movie...

The groom allows himself to be so scatterbrained that he is constantly putting his girlfriend last in his priorities.

When he wakes up and realizes he is sabotaging everything,
he tries really hard to change.

The trailers gloss over the most important part -
which is that 
he realized his sabotage and was determined to stop it.

He worked hard to stop it. 

He just needed to share his thoughts in order to keep from going from one ditch into another ditch. 

But he doesn't share his thoughts and so he doesn't get any perspective about his new solution.

He then goes from one ditch (sabotaging everything) to being too controlling.

He thinks his new controlling ways are showing his love.

* * *

We all need someone to give us some perspective.

God intends for marriage to be a place where the husband and wife can lovingly give each other a wise perspective.

Some people sabotage

by not taking time to

use self-control and to diligently plan ahead.

If they would do those two things,

they wouldn't disappoint

the important people in their life. 

Financial Sabotage


$ $ $

Many people sabotage their finances.

They buy things they cannot afford.

They buy things on impulse.

For those who are married:

They hide purchases from their spouse.

They look at money selfishly.

They don't learn to work as a team concerning their finances.

Sabotage examples

Belief - "I'll never have money."

So you buy things you cannot afford in order to make that belief a reality. 

Whatever the exact choice of sabotage, the result is that you reinforce the belief that you will never have money.

It is better to intentionally start to say, "God is going to help me get financially healthy." This begins to bring new hope in your mind and it begins to tear down destructive beliefs.

It is very wise to - Renew your mind and learn how God thinks about finances.  See our biblical finances.

Next Example

Belief - "I am very generous. A good person is very generous."

So you give gifts and money to others and then you don't have money to pay your bills or fund your savings account. You never get financially healthy. You focus on your false belief about being generous. You enjoy thinking about being a generous person. But the result is sabotage.

Your actions put you at odds with following a wise financial plan. Instead of making a reasonable plan to give a certain amount to others, you let your feelings and your false belief rule you.

(God tells us that he wants us to be savers not just spenders. See our Biblical finances page.) 

One of my mentors,

Dr. Robert Rohm says:

"You cannot beware of something until

you are AWARE of it."

Anti - Sabotage Steps

Ask God to help you see where you are sabotaging yourself.

Ask God to help you figure out what your unhealthy beliefs are.

Acknowledge the truth - about your beliefs.

Acknowledge the truth about the sabotage.

Start intentionally speaking correct things.

Compliment yourself for working on your false beliefs.

See yourself as a person who is learning to be a Champion for Christ.

Speak Bible truth. 

Speak words that God would want you to speak. 

If you feel weak, God says to say, "I am strong."

"Let the weak say, 'I am strong,'"

Joel 3:10 b


When you feel unloved...

Put on your Belt of Truth and say,

"God loves me with a Powerful, Infinite LOVE!

God's love is more POWERFUL

than the

Mightiest waves of the sea. "

See our pages -  Psalm 139 and Psalm 136.

We must mediate (think about) what God says - 

not the false beliefs that we have accumulated.

Renew your mind to think like God thinks.

Check out our page on renewing the mind!

Helping your family members

with their sabotage.

We can help our loved ones with their sabotage.

First - it is wise to work on yourself.
Find out where you sabotage and work on yourself
for a time.
Have some success before you try to help others.

The Bible talks about

taking the log out of your own eye

before you try to help others.

Matthew 7:5 and Luke 6:42

A Helpful Plan

This plan is for a wife - if you are a husband,

please adapt this section.

If your husband never comes home on time, and it is not

his boss's fault -

then YOU can start speaking

 -  differently  - 

and that will help the situation.

Below -Soulutions that help.


To help your spouse, consider changing YOUR attitude first.

Secondly, see the problem as one where you are on the same team.

Thirdly, see the best in your spouse.

THEN consider praying a prayer like this -

in private

AND Also

WHEN your husband is there listening. 

Be open about the fact that you pray for him in this way.

Make it a sincere prayer from your heart.

The prayer should focus on seeing the best in your husband.

Heavenly Father, 

You gave me a wonderful husband. I love him so much. He wants to come home to me earlier but things keep getting in the way. I pray that you will move situations and circumstances around so that he can leave on time to come home. 

I want to repent to you and to my husband for my past attitudes about this issue. I need to work on myself and not just focus on my husband.

Father, I am going to be a supportive and encouraging wife - even when he comes home late. I am going to be in a good mood and happy.....

And when he comes home on time or early, I'm going to shower him with my gratitude. I want to be a great team partner for my husband. I want to be an Amazing Wife. And I will commit to praying prayers like this regularly to uphold my husband and bless him. 

Thank you, Heavenly Father, for helping us to make a marriage that becomes better and better. Thank you for helping me to be a better wife. I want my attitudes to be supportive and loving. 

In Jesus' name I pray,


Copyright © 2021 Beth McLendon of


Put on your Big Girl pants and really live that prayer out. Show the Lord that you mean business. Show God and your husband that you will choose to be a mature Christian even when it is hard - even when you don't get your way.

You'll get more of your needs and wants met when you use sugar than when you use vinegar. Don't forget to be flirty and fun.

Be Strong - Be Determined - Be Mature!

   I fight against the devil and his forces. I fight against my selfish desires - but I do NOT fight
against my husband!

Lack of trust

is sometimes a part of



Thinking "everyone is out to get you"


thinking that "everyone will leave you one day."

In some people, the root of that thinking


actions that propel a person to

reject others before they can reject you.

And it propels a person to unconsciously or


act badly as a way to get people TO reject you -


fulfilling the self-established prophecy

you have inside. 

Lack of trust -

Children usually gain trust in their parents

between the ages of 1 and 2.

If they don't establish trust in their parents,

they are hampered

from ever trusting other people.

Recognizing a root

is the first step toward overcoming it. 


If your spouse is trustworthy but you just can't

trust him or her.....

Good News...

You CAN change your false beliefs.

The Bible tells us that

Faith comes from hearing.

Romans 10:17

Faith in God comes by hearing the Word of God.

But Faith in other areas can also come by hearing.

So learn HOW to speak to yourself.

Consider praying this prayer.

Heavenly Father,

I am going to start saying that I trust my spouse.

I am going to start saying it when I am alone.

I am going to believe that you will help me change

so that I DO trust my spouse.

I am going to start asking you, Lord,

to give me thoughts about trusting my spouse.

I am going to welcome those thoughts.

You want me to trust my spouse. 

So I know that you will help me with this.

By Faith I declare that I will grow in my trust of my


In Jesus' name I pray,


Your mission

- should you choose to accept it -

is to ROOT OUT


in your life

and find a new level of

VICTORY in your life!

Next comes

the Mission theme song...

In Closing...

I am praying that you will allow God

to build up excitement in you

to believe more and more deeply

that you CAN stop the sabotaging in your life.

And Then

You you WILL have NEW Victories!


Consider our Champions for Christ pages.

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