Avoiding  Holiday  Conflicts

Avoiding Holiday Conflicts

The holidays are here.

Christmas

is drawing closer.

My top priority is to  - glorify God.

My second priority is to -  show love and godly maturity.

My third priority is to  - reduce conflict.

If

that is also your thoughts -

this page may help.

For those of you who are like me,

I have family

that sometimes

is

just a little

difficult.

Specifically I mean - 

sometimes

they are

not easy

to communicate with.

The last thing I want is conflict.

I also do not want to experience

unneeded

frustration or anxiety.

Take Note:

I do not have any

narcissists

in my family. 

If you do,

we have a video at the bottom of the page.

Narcissists require a lot of special handling.

I am not any kind of

expert on that topic.

One common problem

I experience in my family

is created

when....

I need information   and it is   not forthcoming.

When family members

drop the ball on sharing their plans...

I end up

in an uncomfortable place

that can result

in

unwanted conflict

outwardly with them

or

just inwardly in my heart.

One situation in this category

involves....

Times when

I am not sure

what the plans are

that

I am

supposed to be blending in with.

~

Sometimes

the other person

has not made their plans clear -

and

sometimes...

the person does not have a plan!

To avoid conflict,

it is helpful to remember that - 

when

people are under stress,

they often

assume

that others are mind readers.

From time to time -  communication is strained

with

some loved ones

for whatever the reason.

During Christmas,

everyone

is very

stressed

and

we are

ALL

handling

more

than we usually deal with.

So.....

When

I need to find out

information....

I have found

that

it helps me

if

I ask a question

in the following way,

"Should I assume that....."

On this page,

I am going to use

food

as one of my examples

of conflict.

Please adapt

your situation

to my examples.

First example,

"Should I

assume

that you are going

to call me

to

tell me

if you want me to bring food?"

-

If they answer

YES

and give me my food assignment -

I'm set!

If they answer YES

but

do not give me my food assignment - 

I say...

"Great, just let me know at least 3 days ahead

so I can make the preparations."

And

And I might also humbly say   ...

"Thank you for helping me know what to do.

I'm sure

to mess up

if 

I don't get clear directions." 

Another example...

 "Should I assume

that if you want me to do ______,

you will let me know?"

If they answer

YES

then I can respond,

"Great, just let me know at least 3 days ahead

so I can make the preparations."

Another example...

"May I assume

that you have changed your mind

and

you do  not  want me to bring food - 

if

you don't call me back and let me know? "

Or

you could say....

"May I assume

that you want me

to choose some kind of food on my own to bring

if you do not call me back and let me know?"

If you get to the event

and the person

did not let you know

but

is miffed

that you aren't a mind reader,

then

you can

nicely and humbly

say,

"Oh, I apologize. I somehow got confused.

I thought

the plan I gave to you

would prevent problems.

I obviously need some extra help

from you next time.

Please help guide me

specifically

next time so I can help you."

Be humble.

Think the best of them.

It never helps

to get mad even if you are in the right. 

-

The purpose here is to

reduce conflict,

not focus on who is right.

Stressed people,

disorganized people,

and

immature people

need help

so......

those of us

who are

more mature in Christ

will have to lead the way.

Reduce Conflict

Many times others never give you information

and later

when you " mess up " in their eyes,

you either feel

angry or guilty.

Angry

If you feel angry, 

you

might think...

"I tried to get them to tell me what they wanted

and

now I am the bad guy."

Guilty

If you feel bad, 

you

might think...

"Well, I should have asked more times."

or

" I should have asked closer to the event, etc."

Sadly, 

many times

people we love

are professional blamers.

We still can love those people,

and

look for ways to reduce conflict.

Perhaps these methods

or

some other wise strategy

will help keep things more conflict-free.

-

Focus on being humble and doing what you can.

Taking

the responsibility

even if -  technically it is not your fault,

can show forth

your Christian maturity.

This method of saying

"I assume"

attempts to keep you

from...

" messing up" in their eyes

and

then

experiencing

upsetting emotions,

disharmony, and possibly conflict. 

So...

then

if I show up with no food,

the person

may realize that it is not my fault.

-

And maybe they will learn something -

but

let God be their teacher - not you. 

The "I assume" question

helps me

in the following ways.

If

I have asked the " I assume " question

then ...

I do not have to try to calculate

when

(what date)

to ask about the food

as if I am a mind reader

- or -

try to guess

if I should re-ask

since

no one has informed me

and

the date is getting close. 

For some of us,

bringing some kind of food helps remove tension

and for others

of us,

we have learned that

it only annoys them more

because

we brought something that conflicts

with their menu plans.

Another Example of Conflict

Let's say that

some of your family members live many miles away.

Christmas presents

need to be mailed

early

before the rush

if

those family members will not be with us at Christmas.

This situation can produce frustration.

Ask -

" Should I mail your presents

or

are you coming here for Christmas? "

Consider saying -

" We would love to see you this Christmas.

Yet -

If you think you might not make it,

I want to

make sure you get your gifts.

I'll need to mail your presents by ________.

I will depend on you

to let me know

before that date if you want the presents mailed. "

You might even end with,

"Do you want me to text you

next Tuesday

to remind you that I need an answer by Tuesday night?"

Consider the following conversation.

You say,

"What are your plans?

Are we going to be together at Christmas?"

If

they say

they will be with us at Christmas.

Then,

we could say,

" Great!

So I am not going to mail your presents.

It will be good to see you. "

If we ask,

What are your plans?

And they say,

"We do not know."

Then

we can say,

" We would love  for you to spend Christmas with us.

If something comes up and you think you will not be coming

let me know by _____

so 

your presents will not be delivered to you late."

-

I know many of you

would feel so terrible

that you

would do anything

to mail those presents on time.

But in a lot of cases,

you cannot keep your peace and joy

unless you accept and become content

in the fact that

there are situations

where it is not God's will for you to

move heaven and earth.

Sometimes

we have to choose

peace

and choose

being emotionally uplifted for the rest of our family

instead of

wearing ourselves out

trying to fix situations that were caused by others.

The enemy of our soul

wants you feeling

hectic and upset at Christmas and always.

You are only responsible for doing your best -

you are not responsible

for

moving heaven and earth to make things happen.

Many times

at Christmas,

people forget

to tell you something

and

you are left

holding the emotional bag.

-

For those of us who would need to fly

somewhere for the holidays.....

This can be terrible

if you are waiting to find out

what dates

you need to book airline reservations .

You might be thinking ...

When he or she does _________ -

it makes life harder for me.

It makes

my emotions get negatively stirred.

It makes me

feel frustrated.

It makes me feel

insignificant and unloved.

It makes me

have to be terribly inconvenienced.

It puts more work on me. 

It makes me feel confused and uncertain. 

It makes me feel angry

when

he or she is appearing to be selfish or self-centered.

I deserve to be treated right.

I deserve kindness. 

Yes,

God wants us to be treated with kindness.

But everyone

including

Jesus

has had to deal with unfair or unkind treatment.

God wants to teach us

HOW to

respond 

Supernaturally.

Let's yield to God and learn to be

More Like Jesus.

Here is a video

to consider

if you are dealing with

a

true

narcissist

and

you are consulting a counselor who deals with

narcissists.

Narcissist Conflict

I recommend

the

video below

with

2 exceptions.

First

I urge you to replace her use of the word

"true Christian" with "mature Christian."

Many Christians

have not

spiritually matured enough

to react as the woman below suggests.

Second

I urge you to consider

gleaning information

from this video

for all your relationships

except

a spouse relationship. 

That relationship is unique

and

needs unique counseling. 

-

Please seek

a lot

more

wise, godly wisdom

if

you are dealing with a narcissist.

-

I know nothing about dealing with a narcissist.

And I know nothing about the speaker in the video.

The video below

is presented as some suggestions to prayerfully consider

and discuss with

wise, mature, godly counsel.

To see all our unique Christmas pages - click here